Great stuff...when's it over?
I've been going through a valley in my life the past few months. It has been a time of ridiculous work, unearthly dead lines, unfulfilling endeavors, and wrestling with difficulties left and right...never really sure which way is up...and not really sure that I even need to be going up at all. Maybe just to the left a little?
In the midst of my malaise there are others around me going through much worse and my angst, by comparison is silly, but it is real to me and I cling to it and sink into it, because without it, I feel I would feel nothing these days. I also see joy...true, honest, long deserved joy and it makes those who experience it beautiful to all around and my heart weeps as I thank God for it for them...but not for me.
"You seem...distant."
I know...you're not the only one to tell me that...and I'm not entirely sure I even know why. I hate it when people say that they don't know why they feel something, because up until today, I always did. Perhaps I'll have more mercy on them now...
I am ... distant... and I don't know why. Usually when I close a show, I'm sad, remorseful even. This time...nothing. I was completely devoid of emotion: positive or otherwise. I brought the lights down and walked away...anxious only to get home and sleep. It was the most uncomfortable feeling I've had in awhile, only to be followed by more.
Maybe I should have gone to church this morning. I thought I could use the rest. I'm weary...very weary. As broad as they may be, the weight of the world aches my shoulders from time to time and like Atlas, I too, at times, shrug.
In the midst of my malaise there are others around me going through much worse and my angst, by comparison is silly, but it is real to me and I cling to it and sink into it, because without it, I feel I would feel nothing these days. I also see joy...true, honest, long deserved joy and it makes those who experience it beautiful to all around and my heart weeps as I thank God for it for them...but not for me.
"You seem...distant."
I know...you're not the only one to tell me that...and I'm not entirely sure I even know why. I hate it when people say that they don't know why they feel something, because up until today, I always did. Perhaps I'll have more mercy on them now...
I am ... distant... and I don't know why. Usually when I close a show, I'm sad, remorseful even. This time...nothing. I was completely devoid of emotion: positive or otherwise. I brought the lights down and walked away...anxious only to get home and sleep. It was the most uncomfortable feeling I've had in awhile, only to be followed by more.
Maybe I should have gone to church this morning. I thought I could use the rest. I'm weary...very weary. As broad as they may be, the weight of the world aches my shoulders from time to time and like Atlas, I too, at times, shrug.
posted by rOmiLaYu at 11:02 AM
3 Comments:
Nah, you're not Atlas. As I said before, you're Sisyphus. :-)
And once again, I think you need to learn the English meaning of "malaise." You may prefer the French definition, but you're writing in English to English speakers, dude.
But more importantly in respect to your main point ... The whole not feeling anything after the show might just be the dragged out nature of the performances more than anything else. So, I wouldn't ascribe too much to it. Yet. And besides, you did feel something: uncomfortable at feeling nothing. Nice little conundrum there, huh?
i think i know exactly what you mean. even though i have never directed a play, that's not the point; what you are thinking or feeling or what it is you are not feeling, that is what i understand.
-julie
I've been feeling distant for a while now. Here's hoping for us both that there's somewhere for a u-turn soon, maybe just up ahead... And that maybe the mile markers start decreasing sometime soon too. That would be nice, I guess (that's what I hear).
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